Sarah MacLachlan

Listening to Sarah MacLachlan - her name is hard to spell in the morning. Thought that despite whatever changes have came to pass, I need to be more passioned. It's so easy when you are drunk, or at least tipsy, when everything develops a warm glow because you yourself are burning up with desire and potential, where everything can be within your reach if you only but dared to reach.

And then I woke up this morning, as sober as ever.

I was supposed to have a hot date tonight with this guy, but I don't think that is going to pull through. Why is it that the hot ones are the ones that are structurally impossible to get, if not for long? I mean, I hve understood perhaps it was a manifestation of an insecuirty to never actually find myself in a situation for two, but I think that has changed now...

This entry is becoming quite morose, isn't it? That's what you get for listening to Sarah MacLachlan when you wake up. I'm sure had I started the day with Underworld's Pearl's Girl (but the remix), the morning would be a little more interesting. Or what about I Found You by Interestate, but remixed by Armin Van Buuren? I don't know why, but that song rings of passion to me.

Another condition for the monotony that I find myself presently is being a cheap-ass bastard. In a little over four months (OH MY GOD!), I'm leaving this country and embarking on a massive Asian backpacking trip, which will hopefully include Thailand, the Phillipines, Vietnam, Cambodia, Singapore, Malaysia, Indonesia, China, Hongkong, Nepal, and even India if I can get that far. I want to have quite a bit of cash when I do leave, and so that has been involving 50,000 yen a month stashed away in the bank account. While Japan has been and will continue to be fun, it seems like this trip is the endgame for me. What makes me a little sad is that while Eri still plans to come with me to Thailand, I don't think she's up for the entire extravaganza. It would be really nice to do what will be the biggest trip and most fantastic experience in my life with her, but I'm sure I'll manage.

There have been a lot of goodbyes said, there will be more, and then there will be those final goodbyes which are I am fullheartedly dreading. Rico left, Rachel left, Jonathan's leaving, then it will be those from our training group, and then it will be us, Eri, Nicky, and I.

Consider me cold but I do know that everything that happens on this planet will be finite. At times it's a slap across the face and at times it's an advance warning for what's to come ahead. It seems of late I've been taking a liking to men who are leaving Japan, which I guess is fine and well seeing that I am one of them. Would it not be great to live each and everyday with passion as if it were your last? And I don't mean that in some cliched sort of way, because chances are that today is not your last, but to just capitalize on feeling and doing everything to it's fullest extent because once that moment is gone, you can never get it back and just imagine how your soul can be hounded with counterfactuals and past hypotheticals, of all that you didn't do because of whatever. And then how cold you would be left.

But despite the above, I'm completely fine. Yeah, this entry is quite negative, but luckily I've accepted - or so I think I have - that in life there is always a great deal of negativity. But it's all about how you deal with it - and not avoiding it - that decides just how much tissue paper you consume on a monthly basis. It's like an orgasm fucked to you with a knife.